Last year Samhain brought difficult challenges to face that required direct action; Yule was completely missed by me then. This year I have been in a better emotional place and through doing the training I have been able to focus on observing the season. This time, as with Samhain, I’ve had lots of introspective lessons.
This training weekend I had pestering negative thoughts crop up. Most of the time it was a reflection of my own feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. It was me projecting my feelings onto others. Identifying this was the first step. It made me feel frustrated and ashamed, but I had to confront it. I found competitiveness come up too. This was to compensate for my low sense of self-worth: I need to prove myself; however, this being said, I know that it is not the desire to be the best, better than others, and centre of attention: It is the desire to be noticed at all, and reassured that I am worth something. Again I had to realise this before I can heal these wounds.
Walking in Her Landscape
I learnt that I definitely project my own bad feelings and ideas onto others and that had to stop.
I learnt that if someone else does something amazing, even if it's better than what I did (and that's subjective anyway) that just means I've had the privelidge to witness it, take part or enjoy it too! If others shine, bask in the brightness!
I learnt the beautiful power of compliments. It feels so nice to recieve them. It feels even better to see someone light up when you give one!
I learnt that I would need to go into myself to dig up what no longer serves me; that this would be uncomfortable and I would probably have lots of tantrums and panicky moments; but that this was necessary. I realised that if I wanted to truly be a Priestess of the Goddess I needed to lose this petty childish attitude that was not really a reflection of any truth. She made me face it this weekend so I could begin to release it.
Solitary Danu Ceremony
She gave me time to be still.