As a dedicate of the Goddess of love I have spent a lot of time with Rhiannon and did not know what lessons to expect from Her this season. As aforementioned, Her lessons arrived early and continued as Beltane arrived. Over Beltane weekend three messages became clear:
For the last year I had been feeling guilty that I would not be able to love my new
partner as much as my previous, my first love. I feared that I had
given my ex everything and in losing him I lost something I'd never
get back. The magic was gone. This concept of the first one true love is
instilled within many girls growing up.
Thinking about these things made me realise that the love won from my 14
year old self would not be the same as that of my 23 year old self. I loved my
ex as a teenager, inexperienced and with big dreams and indoctrinated
ideals. I was held back and not treated very kindly. The love I have now
is perhaps no longer fanciful and dependent, but that doesn't make it
any less real. It is a mature love, a love with experience and
understanding. It is healthy and empowered. My relationship is utterly
different and my new partner is utterly different from the last.
I cannot expect to love him in the same way as the previous partner. I need to stop
trying to replicate it and to instead enjoy it for what it is. This realisation has released a burden I had been carrying.
I think of my ex often. I think of our memories and his family. I miss
him. He was my best friend (in spite of his poor behaviour). But I realised this weekend when considering my sexual past that
when I miss him I do so as a lover; I just miss my friend. I
desperately wanted him back in the early days because he was my
security, my safety blanket. In fact since we seperated I don't think I ever longed for his
kisses or to lay with him again.
I realised therefore, that I did not need to feel guilty for missing him
still because it is in a different way from missing my current partner.
I think I loved the idea of him, or the idea of love. I sometimes wish
to talk to him again, to laugh and maybe - maybe hug him. That is not
the same as the longing for a lover's touch. This realisation also released a burden and in combination with the first made me feel set free.
The Goddess of love and the Goddess of Death have many things in common, and the necessity to surrender is one of them. In order to embrace love one
needs to surrender to Her and give oneself fully. Sometimes we hold
back, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of hurting others or remaining
loyal to a past love. If we hold back we only enjoy a partial love,
which cannot be ultimately fulfilling.
I learnt that I needed to surrender to love and to fully enjoy it
without fear for the future, or of the past. I can fall deeply in love
as many times as it comes around. I can fall in love again and again if
necessary. So rather than worrying that this man isn't the final one,
or will he break my heart in the end (or I his), instead I should enjoy it as it is. As a result the relationship with grow
stronger and be more fulfilling anyway.