The Tor at Sunset 20/12/16 Photo by myself
When I decided to move here – very suddenly – I had a burning longing in my solar plexus. I know that when this inner flame ignites, I am on the right path. I felt this burning when I considered moving earlier in the year, but allowed my fear to extinguish it.
I knew I was stepping upon the barge and sailing across the lake to Avalon, to train as a Priestess here. I also knew it would not be perfect and I’d come across difficulties.
Although I did anticipate what I would find difficult here, I didn’t fully expect the whirlwind of feelings I have had in these last 3 months. Being here has dug up many latent insecurities, resentments, complexes and fears. Over the last year during my First Spiral I explored some of these but moving here has intensified that.
First I became angry at the system here. I became angry because I could see it flaws (which I had been aware of before, but saw much more clearly now). I disliked that I saw these flaws in something that had given me so much hope and joy before.
I confirmed things that I did not necessarily agree with spiritually, which made me frustrated as I seemed to have wanted to agree with everything and fully fit in.
I met others who disagreed, criticised and even disapproved of the Goddess community here – which made me defensive; however, because of the above it made me defend myself as apart from it, rather than defend it.
I faced fear of not being good enough, of not doing my job perfectly and failing.
I faced a fear of being associated with something imperfect and subject to criticism; I don’t like to be disliked and criticised.
I faced a need to rebel, to be angry and even arrogant in my defiance.
I faced wanted to run away – unable to make things fit my way, and unwilling to try to overcome my resistances and find a way that worked for me. I missed home terribly.
An unfortunate part of my Capricorn nature is I am stubborn. I decided I didn’t like it, I wanted to leave, I wouldn’t like it and that was that! I didn’t want to try to like it or to be happy, or to even explore what was really going on with me. Which is why I needed to go home for a bit, do nothing but breathe Welsh mountain air, crochet, make love and watch movies.
I went home for the Yuletide period, taking a breather from things. My heart beat for the mountains, my families, the mists, the rain… I remembered why I moved and realised it was not a mistake, even if it isn’t the perfect answer.
I need to learn that I can’t have, and don’t need to have, the perfect life set up right now. I have wanted the ideal job, partner, house and lifestyle and have been working towards that, being constantly dissatisfied that it isn’t perfect yet.
Just before I left for home I picked up a book on the Goddess Hathor. Whilst reading it I was touched by the beautiful feeling of familiarity, of self, of home. It reminded me that I can find home within myself, and for me, part of that is Egypt within me… I remembered that Egypt is my true Love in life (I love you too Dan!) and I hold that within me. It then cheered me further to find a group of other individuals in Glastonbury who want to form an Egyptian Spirituality group in town! So my inner home, can creep out into the physical too!
Nevertheless, I have decided to move in with my partner this summer, whilst keeping my job in Glastonbury. This I hope will bring me into balance, and have enough of what I want mixed with the imperfection of life.
My need to gain approval from others still reigns strong; last night I began to fear this failure but as I felt the downward spiral of exhausted disappointment, I grabbed hold of it and channelled it into productivity. My need for approval is manifesting a drive to do well at my job – which can’t be a bad thing if I can balance it with self-esteem and not rely on positive affirmations from others.
I also need to learn that I do not have to agree with everything that the people around me believe (that should be obvious…); I am a part of something that never intended to be static and dogmatic, I am just interpreting it that way.
Something I affirmed over the summer was that Goddess was calling me to surrender to Her plan. And I did. Until I got here, then I panicked and wanted out. Ahead of me this 2017 I have plans to visit Egypt (at last!!), I continue my Rhiannon training, I move in with Daniel, I am planning for my future PhD and who knows what else will unfold.
It may be clear that my inner Goddess radio has often been muted during this time. I haven’t been connecting much or asking Her for help. This I’ve been very inside my head and locked in the mundane world. If I look towards my Rhiannon training I will see that I in fact need to be in my body and in the spiritual world more. Balance is everything.
Goddess Hall Winter Solstice Altar 2016, Photo by myself
It’s worth saying after all that, for you as well as for me, that this is actually a remarkable place. I’ve met some wonderful people, seen stunning views, received much kindness and had some brilliant experiences. It’s a place I don’t intend to settle in for now, but I definitely intend to allow myself to enjoy living here for the next 7 months, and working here for longer.
For now this is where I am it.